Paul Street
The Leek
August 23rd, 2019
10:37 AM
Chicago, IL – In a Tweet that took the world by surprise this morning, U.S. President Donald Trump threatened the tiny 90% Black Caribbean island of Anguilla, a British overseas territory, with “thermonuclear liquidation the likes of which it has never before experienced.”
“They won’t be happy, the Anguillans,” Trump wrote, “when their little ‘nation’ gets turned into a steaming pile of radioactive ash.”
“It was a big mistake to go after Happy.’
The cause of Trump’s fury is an Anguillan court’s indictment of a Scott Hapgood, an affluent white banker from Connecticut, for manslaughter.
Last April 13th, Hapgood killed a Black Anguillan hotel worker, Kenny Mitchell, at an Anguillan resort. After he claimed to have felt threatened by Mitchell, Hapgood knocked the resort employee to the floor and pinned him there for half an hour without proper breathing space. Mitchell died from asphyxiation.
Eye-witness accounts of the murder do not fit Hapgood’s claim to have acted in legitimate self-defense.
Hapgood arrived in Anguilla last week to attend a preliminary hearing. Surrounded by armed security guards and donning a bullet-proof vest, the 44-year old financial consultant said he is eager for a trial that will prove his innocence. “Every court appearance means we’re one step closer to putting this nightmare behind us,” Hapgood said.
Trump, however, does not think “the Aguinados or whatever they Hell they call themselves” are “capable of holding fair trial for some rich white guy they probably hate just because he’s an American who worked hard for his money.”
“Who are these people, anyway?” Trump said to reporters as he waited to board his helicopter and head off to the G-7 meetings in France, “and what are they doing in the Caribbean? Where do they come from, Kenya or some terrible place like that? There’s too much crime down there…Rapists and killers who want to invade our golf courses from crime-infested places! It’s got to stop!.”
When a reporter told Trump that much of the evidence contradicts Hapgood’s account of the murder, the president said “I asked somebody who knows Happy’s lawyer and he strongly denies that Happy killed that bastard. I don’t see why he would.”
“Look,” Trump added, “I just don’t think there should be a trial. Happy tried to have a nice vacation and bring some money to their little lazy, poverty-stricken island. I don’t know, maybe Happy tried to give this guy some financial advice. These people could use some financial advice, trust me. And what does this guy who got killed do to thank him? Pulls a knife and tries to rob Happy. Probably wanted to rape his wife and kids. That didn’t work out too good for him!”
“I’ll sit down and make a deal with Angwada but look, first they’ve got to drop this whole crazy manslaughter thing against a proud American. Why would Happy kill some poor hotel worker?”
“Happy went back their once and that’s enough. That’s enough. These people don’t understand law, okay? You know what they understand? Nuclear weapons. Fire and fury.”
“If Agwala doesn’t drop this,” Trump warned, “a lot of people could die. What have they got on Agwano, 10,000 people or something like that? [The real number is 17,400]. I don’t want to wipe out 10,000 people, even if they don’t belong there in their first place. I really don’t. But I can do it and I will if I have to.”
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s press secretary has expressed “full confidence in the capabilities of Anguilla’s courts.” Johnson has so far refused comment on his ally Donald Trump’s threat to incinerate a British overseas territory.